Forgiveness can be hard.
You may still think about what happened. The memory may come back when you least expect it. You may even feel angry all over again.
So, how do you forgive in a biblical way?
What biblical forgiveness means
Biblical forgiveness begins with what God has done for you through Jesus.
The Bible does not treat sin as something small. People can hurt each other deeply.
God also calls us to forgive. This was taught by Jesus Himself, and the teaching has carried through since the early days of Christianity.
The Apostle Paul wrote, “Be kind and loving to each other. Forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ” (Ephesians 4:32).
Forgiveness can mean giving up your desire for revenge and putting justice in God’s hands. But not in a vengeful kind of way! Having the wrong attitude doesn’t bring healing to your own heart. It can keep the anger alive within you.
It does not mean saying the hurt did not matter.
It does not mean trust has to return immediately.
And it does not always mean the relationship will go back to the way it was.
Bring the hurt to God
Start with honesty in prayer.
You might tell God what happened—what made you angry, sad, disappointed, or afraid.
This doesn’t need polished words.
You might simply say, “God, this hurt me. Help me forgive this person and know what to do next.”
You may need to pray about the same situation many times.
That is okay.
Decide what you are releasing
Ask yourself what you are holding onto.
Do you want an apology?
Do you want the person to understand exactly how much they hurt you?
Do you want them to suffer because you suffered?
Those feelings can be real, but holding onto them can keep you tied to what happened. Ultimately, it affects you.
Biblical forgiveness is the opposite of what evil and the world tell us to do and feel.
So, bring your feelings and what needs to be released to God.
You can say, “I am giving this situation to You. Help me let go of what I cannot control.”
Your feelings may not change right away.
Forgiveness can begin with a decision before your emotions catch up.
Pray for the right heart
Praying for someone who hurt you may feel difficult.
Start small.
Ask God to work in that person’s life. Ask Him to lead them toward truth and repentance.
And ask God to protect your own heart from bitterness. Read that last sentence again.
You can simply ask God to help you become willing to forgive.
Decide what the next step should be
The next step will depend on what happened. You don’t need to plan out all the next steps unless you feel led to do so. Think about the next best step and pray for wisdom about how you should proceed.
You may need to have a conversation.
You may need to stop repeating the story to people who cannot help.
You may need to ask someone for advice.
Or you may need to create some distance.
A friend who said something hurtful may need a conversation. A person who repeatedly harms you may need much stronger boundaries.
Serious situations may require help from a pastor, counselor, employer, police, or another appropriate authority.
Forgiveness and boundaries can go together
Forgiving someone does not mean giving that person unlimited access to your life. You can forgive and still set boundaries.
That may mean limiting contact, meeting only in certain settings, or having another person present for a difficult conversation.
If abuse, threats, or danger are involved, get help immediately and protect yourself. Forgiveness does not require you to remain in an unsafe situation.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are different
Reconciliation usually requires both people.
There needs to be honesty, willingness to change, and rebuilding of trust.
You can forgive someone who never apologizes.
You can forgive someone and still decide that the relationship needs to change.
That can be difficult, but your decision to forgive does not have to depend on the other person doing what you hope they will do.
What if forgiveness feels impossible?
Some hurts are much deeper than others.
Give yourself time.
Talk with a mature Christian friend, pastor, or counselor. You may need help working through what happened.
And keep bringing the situation to Jesus. He understands betrayal, rejection, and suffering.
You may not wake up one morning and suddenly feel completely different. Forgiveness can happen one decision at a time.
So, bring the hurt to God and ask Him for help.